I need to get a lot of shit off my chest today.
I have been feeling overwhelmingly lonely lately. I have gone so far as to write a letter to a prisoner because I feel so alone. (And he didn’t even write back after 3 weeks…) All of my friends are in relationships. Even my friend who is in the middle of a divorce has someone that she can talk to. I don’t have anyone. Okay, that’s a lie. I have my sponsor. But I want someone that I can DO things with. Go on dates with, go to concerts with, cook dinner with. I just want MORE than what I have in my life.
It’s like, all these years I have been such a mess. I have been insecure, overly emotional, jealous, nagging, cranky, grumpy, negative… and now I feel good about myself, but I don’t have anyone to share the positive with which leaves me feeling so depressed again. It makes me feel like the good things that I am starting to see must not really be there if nobody wants to be around me.
I even went so far as to stop by my treatment center today just to say hi because I felt so lonely. I don’t even need to be there for any reason today, and it takes me 20 minutes to get there. AND it’s 93 outside and disgusting. I sat on hot leather seats, sweat through my shirt, and messed up my hair by sweating so much just to say hi to a real person.
Going back to the prisoner thing. I am really bummed out about this! I figured I would have someone to talk to, and it’s kind of like service work in a way. Helping someone who is reaching out for a friend while also helping myself because I need a friend. He is in prison for 2 DUI’s in Oregon and is 27, so we have a lot in common. I and 26 and have 2 DUI’s! I spent a lot of time thinking about what to say and I read the letter multiple times and honestly I really thought that it sounded good. It wasn’t that weird at all! I sent it on August 22nd and I haven’t heard anything. At this point I really don’t even think that I will. Oh, and I have really cute girly handwriting. Like the kind of handwriting where you would think that a pretty girl belongs to it. Okay now I just sound stupid.
Next problem. I can’t stop thinking about “What could have been” if I had stayed living in California. Who knows where I would be now, but I had real friends there. I had a good support system and I left all of that behind because of a rough patch in a relationship with someone that had been my best friend for 7 years before we dated. I did really have good reasons for leaving, and I wouldn’t be as strong, independent, or self-sufficient as I am now if I had stayed… but it still makes me sad. It makes me wonder what my life would be like if I had stayed. I know that’s a really stupid thing to do because I can never go back and change things, but I’m lonely and sad and this is what I keep doing.
I think if I was able to establish a good group of friends that I was able to spend time with on a regular basis that I would feel different. I just really don’t think that I will ever have that where I am living now. I keep thinking about what I will do with my life after I get my RN license and all I want to do is move. The problems with this are: 1. My deferred prosecution program goes until May of 2016. 2. Hospitals never hire new RN graduates really (but by the time I get my license I will have been at this hospital for 2 1/2 years so I don’t think I will have a hard time finding a position so I don’t want to leave) 3. I doubt I would be able to transfer within the company for a RN position at a different hospital.
Other shit going on in my life:
-I have been appealing my health insurance and their decision against paying for my treatment program. They DENIED me again last week. Assholes. It literally says denial is due to “absence of relapse”. Seriously? Such bullshit. I’m too sober to get treatment. Ugh.
-I sprained my ankle the night that I got my DUI. I was taken to a hospital to get medical clearance before I was booked. The paperwork sent to my insurance for some reason said that my injury was “due to an automobile accident.” No. It wasn’t. My car may have ended up in a ditch but my sprained ankle was a result of being inebriated, walking on ice in boots with a slippery bottom, and tripping over a fucking curb. I have been appealing this for 8 months. EIGHT MONTHS. Finally last week this woman called me and basically told me that I was a liar. She was like “Well your STORY that you are telling me right now just simply does not match the official paperwork that was filed.” I flipped out. I can usually hold it together pretty well, but I flipped. I basically told her that I flat out refused to pay a $610 bill because someone, somewhere doesn’t know how to do their job. I had my medical paperwork faxed straight to her office with the notes on what happened. She called me back 4 hours later and said “Weeelllll it seems that your STORY (yes she said it and enunciated it) matches up with the hospital paperwork. We will drop the claim.” FUCK. 8 freaking months of being bounced around from person to person and it’s finally (hopefully) really done.
-My dad has been sick. He is 75 and went into A Flutter 2 weeks ago. Basically this means that the top of his heart isn’t pumping effectively and isn’t fully emptying, so when his heart beats it also isn’t pumping as much blood to his body so he is extremely fatigued all the time. He is going to have a cardioversion done in 2 weeks (shocking his heart back into a normal beating rhythm). It’s just been so stressful. He is still working full time because neither of my parents make enough money to retire and my mom doesn’t make enough to support the finances on their own.
I just wish I could crawl into a hole and hide until school starts again on September 22nd. At least when I am in school I’m so busy that I don’t have time to think about the rest of my life.
Sometimes ignorance truly is bliss.