Crisis line

I’ve spent the entirety of my day sobbing uncontrollably. I googled suicide hotlines, crisis hotlines, everything. I’m just so fucking tired of my life.

I am seriously Eeyore. My life fucking sucks. I build my life back up again like he builds his little house of sticks and shit just fucking wrecks it. I am sober. I am going to meetings. Life is supposed to be getting better.

I’m 26. I am single. I am alone. I am surrounded by engagements and weddings and babies being born. Everyone around me has SOMEONE. A best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, kids. I have a dog and two cats. I am the cat lady now. I have evil little kittens that try to claw my face off while I sleep.

I’m tired of putting on a brave face everyday and pretending that everything is all hunky-dory.  I am so lonely and I am so tired of not having anyone to talk to about my day.

I’m trying to be happy, I really truly am. I even made a list of all the things I have to be grateful for and I STILL feel like shit.

When will it be my turn to be happy?

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Help

Asking for help has never been something that I believed in doing. I was brought up in a family that did not have finances for much more than the monthly bills. We scraped by, but I learned the value of a dollar and I believe that my good work ethic is related to that. That being said, I am asking for help if anyone can. Our 4 year old dachshund has a problem with his back. The discs between the vertebrae in his spine are becoming calcified in three locations. The vet has told us that at some point probably soon he will either need to have a rather expensive surgery to fix this, or we will have to put him down. All of us are truly heartbroken over this.

My dad was in the emergency room last month and has been having some pretty significant cardiac problems since then. He has been out of work because of this leaving my mom to basically pull the weight of all the bills. I do what I can to help, but I am in so much debt from being in nursing school that I cannot help as much as I would like. My parents are considering selling their car if we absolutely have to, but even that would not cover the total amount of his surgery. That would also make it extremely difficult for my mom to get to work because bus lines in Washington are somewhat of a joke. It takes 2 hours to go 15 miles in some cases.

I have never been one to ask for help before, but today I am asking. I set up a gofundme account for donations for his surgery. Anything will help.

 

http://www.gofundme.com/d3mm6g


Agh

I need to get a lot of shit off my chest today.

I have been feeling overwhelmingly lonely lately. I have gone so far as to write a letter to a prisoner because I feel so alone. (And he didn’t even write back after 3 weeks…) All of my friends are in relationships. Even my friend who is in the middle of a divorce has someone that she can talk to. I don’t have anyone. Okay, that’s a lie. I have my sponsor. But I want someone that I can DO things with. Go on dates with, go to concerts with, cook dinner with. I just want MORE than what I have in my life.

It’s like, all these years I have been such a mess. I have been insecure, overly emotional, jealous, nagging, cranky, grumpy, negative… and now I feel good about myself, but I don’t have anyone to share the positive with which leaves me feeling so depressed again. It makes me feel like the good things that I am starting to see must not really be there if nobody wants to be around me.

I even went so far as to stop by my treatment center today just to say hi because I felt so lonely. I don’t even need to be there for any reason today, and it takes me 20 minutes to get there. AND it’s 93 outside and disgusting. I sat on hot leather seats, sweat through my shirt, and messed up my hair by sweating so much just to say hi to a real person.

Going back to the prisoner thing. I am really bummed out about this! I figured I would have someone to talk to, and it’s kind of like service work in a way. Helping someone who is reaching out for a friend while also helping myself because I need a friend. He is in prison for 2 DUI’s in Oregon and is 27, so we have a lot in common. I and 26 and have 2 DUI’s! I spent a lot of time thinking about what to say and I read the letter multiple times and honestly I really thought that it sounded good. It wasn’t that weird at all! I sent it on August 22nd and I haven’t heard anything. At this point I really don’t even think that I will. Oh, and I have really cute girly handwriting. Like the kind of handwriting where you would think that a pretty girl belongs to it. Okay now I just sound stupid.

Next problem. I can’t stop thinking about “What could have been” if I had stayed living in California. Who knows where I would be now, but I had real friends there. I had a good support system and I left all of that behind because of a rough patch in a relationship with someone that had been my best friend for 7 years before we dated. I did really have good reasons for leaving, and I wouldn’t be as strong, independent, or self-sufficient as I am now if I had stayed… but it still makes me sad. It makes me wonder what my life would be like if I had stayed. I know that’s a really stupid thing to do because I can never go back and change things, but I’m lonely and sad and this is what I keep doing.

I think if I was able to establish a good group of friends that I was able to spend time with on a regular basis that I would feel different. I just really don’t think that I will ever have that where I am living now. I keep thinking about what I will do with my life after I get my RN license and all I want to do is move. The problems with this are: 1. My deferred prosecution program goes until May of 2016. 2. Hospitals never hire new RN graduates really (but by the time I get my license I will have been at this hospital for 2 1/2 years so I don’t think I will have a hard time finding a position so I don’t want to leave) 3. I doubt I would be able to transfer within the company for a RN position at a different hospital.

Other shit going on in my life:

-I have been appealing my health insurance and their decision against paying for my treatment program. They DENIED me again last week. Assholes. It literally says denial is due to “absence of relapse”. Seriously? Such bullshit. I’m too sober to get treatment. Ugh.

-I sprained my ankle the night that I got my DUI. I was taken to a hospital to get medical clearance before I was booked. The paperwork sent to my insurance for some reason said that my injury was “due to an automobile accident.” No. It wasn’t. My car may have ended up in a ditch but my sprained ankle was a result of being inebriated, walking on ice in boots with a slippery bottom, and tripping over a fucking curb. I have been appealing this for 8 months. EIGHT MONTHS. Finally last week this woman called me and basically told me that I was a liar. She was like “Well your STORY that you are telling me right now just simply does not match the official paperwork that was filed.” I flipped out. I can usually hold it together pretty well, but I flipped. I basically told her that I flat out refused to pay a $610 bill because someone, somewhere doesn’t know how to do their job. I had my medical paperwork faxed straight to her office with the notes on what happened. She called me back 4 hours later and said “Weeelllll it seems that your STORY (yes she said it and enunciated it) matches up with the hospital paperwork. We will drop the claim.” FUCK. 8 freaking months of being bounced around from person to person and it’s finally (hopefully) really done.

-My dad has been sick. He is 75 and went into A Flutter 2 weeks ago. Basically this means that the top of his heart isn’t pumping effectively and isn’t fully emptying, so when his heart beats it also isn’t pumping as much blood to his body so he is extremely fatigued all the time. He is going to have a cardioversion done in 2 weeks (shocking his heart back into a normal beating rhythm). It’s just been so stressful. He is still working full time because neither of my parents make enough money to retire and my mom doesn’t make enough to support the finances on their own.

I just wish I could crawl into a hole and hide until school starts again on September 22nd. At least when I am in school I’m so busy that I don’t have time to think about the rest of my life.

Sometimes ignorance truly is bliss.


It’s been a while

Today I have 236 days sober.

They say things get better in sobriety… I mean, I guess they are. I’m not doing dumb shit anymore. The thing is though, staying away from alcohol has been easy, trying to handle my emotions without it has been hard.

 

I am 26 years old. I am still single. I do not have any single friends. I haven’t been in a relationship for 45 months and 2 days. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I’m not a model by any means, but I know that I’m pretty. I have dated a little bit here and there, but nothing has come of any of it. As soon as I get feelings for someone shit hits the fan and they usually tell me, “I’ll just end up hurting you” and I never hear from them again. It’s either that scenario or they immediately want to marry me and I peace out.

The only thing that I have going for me is being in nursing school. I am also one of 4 single people in my entire cohort of 38. I just feel so out of place all the time. I always feel lonely and sad. I’m at home on a Saturday night watching 20/20. This is ridiculous. There is absolutely nobody for me to hang out with. My friends are all doing relationship things. My phone has been silent other than texts from my mom for days. It’s just seriously so depressing.

I’ve tried match, pof, eharmony… everything. I’m getting to the point where I’m hopeless and desperate just for someone to talk to… so that’s why I’m here.

I freaking wrote a letter to a prisoner in Oregon last week because I’m so damn lonely. I figured at least I might get a response and someone to talk to that way.

 

Then on top of all of this depressing shit I keep having dreams about my ex from 4 fucking years ago. I don’t know why he keeps coming up. Most likely because I miss having that special someone in my life to spend my time with.

 

Great. Now I just spotted a fucking spider on my ceiling. Perfect. I guess I wasn’t as alone as I thought I was… I think I would prefer being alone over having to figure out how to get to the vacuum without walking underneath the little beast.


133

This week has been insane. I spent my Wednesday doing absolutely nothing and I am so glad that I did that now. From Thursday morning when I woke up through this morning when I got home from a meeting at 9:30 I slept a whopping 9 hours. I slept 3 hours after class on Thursday, 3 hours before work on Friday, and 3 hours on Saturday morning. I had this crazy idea on Friday morning when I was getting off work that picking up an extra shift on Saturday evening would be a great idea. I ended up working on my floor for the first half of my shift last night, and it was horrible. I am a CNA on an Orthopedic floor at a hospital so that means all of my patients have broken things and to help them move, it requires a lot of time and physical exertion. The max number of patients that I am supposed to be assigned to is 10, yesterday there were 20 patients on the floor and one of me. The nurses were “too busy” to help their patients to the bathrooms so I ended up with a 20 person patient list. When I floated to the neurology floor at 10:30 I probably smelled super gross and sweaty and had drank like 8 cups of coffee and 2 had redbulls in my backpack… and then I almost cried from happiness. I only had 6 patients!! The rest of my night was filled with horrible smells, poop, blood, and vomit. I didn’t even care though because I only had 6 patients. When I left work I had an ice pack on my back (just sore muscles from exhaustion not from hurting myself), and I ended up driving without shoes because everything hurt so badly. 

Even though I was exhausted I went to my home group meeting. Of course I was called on to speak because I’m still fairly new, aaand something craazzzyy happened. I DIDN’T CRY! I don’t know if it was the exhaustion or what, but I didn’t cry. We were talking about resurrection, not only relating to religion but how we feel like we have changed or what miracles we have seen happen since we have been sober. Connecting my previous rambles ^^ up there to this, normally I would have been PISSED after a night like last night. I literally felt like I had to bleach out my nose because smells were clinging into them. My knees hurt, my back hurt, my head hurt, errrryything hurt! BUT today, I realized that I see the good things in my life so much more now than I did before. Someone mentioned how perspective is everything, and I completely agree. Instead of being angry that the staffing on my floor sucks and annoyed because my entire body hurt, I was thankful not only that I had the opportunity to pick up extra shifts to make more money but also for my job in general, awesome medical benefits, and my SOBRIETY. I would never have been willing or able to pick up extra shifts if I was still drinking. I would have been thinking about how yesterday was Saturday and that I could never work an extra shift on a Saturday. I was always too busy taking shots of tequila, prowling for a guy to flirt with, and making an ass of myself. 

We also talked today about how we were then vs. now. One guy has 33 years of sobriety! He mentioned a few things that made me remember all the dumb shit that I did, okay so maybe some of them all of them were told to me because I blacked out. Knocking down a mini-fence on the boardwalk in Hermosa Beach and then waking up in bed with a broken little toe on my right foot and my left leg covered in blood and not knowing what happened, trying to fight a girl on the beach because she called me a “drunk idiot”, hitting a guy in the face with a full Nalgene water bottle because he skateboarded too close to me, slapping someone just because he was talking to me, running through the street, throwing a stiletto at someone’s head then tackling him to the ground and hitting him because he didn’t drive me and my friend home from the bar when he said he would… I’m sure I don’t even know half of the things that I did either because I would never let anyone tell me haha. I would tell them to shut up and plug my ears and say, “la la la la la la la la la la la!!!” until they stopped talking so I wouldn’t be able to hear them. I never have to worry about that now. It is the.best.feeling.ever. I don’t think I ever woke up after a night of drinking without having to worry what dumb thing I texted or who I texted. I wake up with so much optimism and see potential in every single day now. I never saw any of that before. I don’t know if I’ve said this before or not, but I bought a journal to write in and on the cover it says, “These days the closer she looks at her life, the more beauty she sees. There is something worth noticing everywhere.” When I first bought it I thought it was just a good motivational phrase, but now it really feels true. 

 

Since it’s been a long week and I’m still sleep deprived this isn’t the most organized rambling of mine, but today was good. This crazy busy week was really good. And I guess my theme of this is resurrection in a roundabout way, sobriety has brought me back to the living world. I was hiding behind alcohol because I was so insecure and scared of failure that I was too scared to really live my life. I’m a little bit less scared today. 

 

🙂


Procrastinating is my specialty

I feel like I should be studying or something right now. I don’t work tonight which feels weird because I usually always work on school nights. Usually I work 10:30pm-7:00 then have class from 8:00 until 3:00ish. I usually only sleep like 5 hours on week nights and here I am lounging on the couch watching MTV. 

 

I guess I could talk about my day. It wasn’t too bad. I worked last night, came home and napped then had some work done on my car. The check engine light has been on for like 3 months. I had it diagnosed in February and had an O2 sensor replaced. I didn’t go to the dealership, big mistake. The place I went to didn’t install a compatible sensor so my car hasn’t been running very well since then, but I didn’t have money to pay for another sensor until now. I was really upset one day last week because I went to the Mini dealership and found out that if I had just gone there in the first place they would have replaced the sensor for free under warranty. I didn’t go to the dealership though because I was embarrassed of my interlock 😦 . I found out last week that each sensor is like $350… luckily I only had to pay for one and the other one was replaced for free. I think the service guy felt bad for me because I walked out only paying $190, but it was still money that I wouldn’t have had to pay if I hadn’t been embarrassed of my stupid interlock. 

Speaking of my interlock, so I’m supposed to have it for 2 years. That’s the usual for a deferred prosecution in Washington, I don’t know what it is like in other states. I really need to move out, my parents smoke marijuana daily and my dad just started drinking again so I have to reach around his beers to get to my yogurt in the morning, but financially I can’t really do it right now. I have court in 2 weeks and I’m thinking about asking the Judge to reduce the time that I would have the interlock in so I would have an extra $100 to put towards rent. I don’t know if she will go for it… I mean, it would be getting me out of a horrible living situation that adds a huge amount of stress to my life and I have a sober friend that I could move in with. I am sure she would want me to move into an Oxford house if anything, but I wouldn’t be able to bring my dog and my parents don’t pay attention to her. I will be getting UA’s on the reg for the next 2 years though, so maybe? Maybe if I make a list of all the reasons why my life is pathetic and sad she will take mercy on me haha. I only make like $1500 a month and with tuition, a car payment, insurance, phone, credit card, and food/gas that would make rent pretty tight. Especially since I sometimes can’t work all of my scheduled shifts because of how much work nursing school is. 

Okay that got depressing pretty quick. On a happier note, I got 92% on my nursing exam today! I didn’t even really study for the respiratory unit at all and I still did well, so at least all this crap isn’t affecting my school work. I used to get a 4.0 in everything, but in nursing everything is ridiculously hard. You have to get at least an 80% in everything to pass, so as long as I’m over that 80 I don’t even care anymore. 

I also spent like 2 hours lusting over condos. I seriously can’t wait until I am done with school and can save up some money and buy something that is mine. I don’t know if it will be a condo or townhouse, whatever. I don’t even care. I just want something that is just mine. I think once I get my RN license and can dig myself out of this hole that I’m in that I will be much happier. I want to be independent again and not have to worry so much about money. I also want to be able to paint my walls and hang things and not have to worry about how hard it will be to paint or spackle over it. And I want a big squishy sectional to snuggle with my dog in. 

 

Okay I don’t even know why I’m rambling so much. This is what happens when my schedule goes crazy and I suddenly have free time! I should probably find something productive to do with myself. 


A Sunny Sunday

I woke up today cold and tired with a stuffy nose. I showered and washed my hair that is entirely too dark for my skin tone after getting it professionally dyed yesterday. I had to deep condition it because it was also over processed and basically matted to my head when it got wet. I drove to my favorite drive through coffee stand to get my usual iced white chocolate americano. I waited for 2 minutes and the girl never came to the window because she was texting and didn’t notice me, so I had to go to Starbucks. Even though there was a sequence of events that would normally have pissed me off, I was not upset today. I felt cheerful and happy.

AA has changed my entire outlook on life.

 

 

Last night I turned down the invitation to go on a date and opted to stay home and read blogs about sobriety instead. I felt lonely, but I felt better than I would have if I had gone out. The guy who asked me out is the same one who told me that sunrises reminded him of my smile and beauty last November. I told him I couldn’t go out with him because I can’t be around people drinking right now. He made a few comments like, “What you aren’t even allowed to be around alcohol anymore? Are those the rules of AA?” And, “Well you weren’t ever crazy when you drank around me, I think I’m good for you.” Initially I was a little bit annoyed with him for even inviting me to go somewhere where there would be huge amounts of alcohol, but then I stepped back and reanalyzed things. He will NEVER understand the way that my mind works regarding alcohol unless he is an alcoholic himself, which I would never wish upon anyone.

I remember in one of my first AA meetings someone mentioned how the first year of sobriety can seem extremely selfish. You put your needs regarding sobriety ahead of anything else. At first I guess I didn’t realize the lengths that you must go to in order to stay healthy, not only abstaining from alcohol, but also what you have to do to keep your mind healthy. I didn’t go out last night because I knew alcohol would be involved and I’m not at a stage yet where I can be around it in that quantity. He asked to make other plans with me for next weekend and I said yes, but now I am realizing that he didn’t understand me when I told him I couldn’t date either. He thought it was ridiculous when I told him I wasn’t emotionally ready for anything and wouldn’t be for a long time. He again insisted that he thought he was what I needed and that he would be good for me. I suggested to him that we just get lunch and go to the Tulip Festival, which to me sounded very casual and I even told him we were going as friends only. He texted me this morning saying he dreamt about me and had me on his mind all night…    -_____-
I’m going to have to be selfish and cancel our plans for next weekend now. I was VERY clear when I told him I was not going to get involved with anyone physically or emotionally for the next year at least. I don’t think I led him on at all. I don’t know what it is, but I feel a little guilty though. On the other hand, I know I would never have been able to see that he is not good for me if I wasn’t sober. I don’t know what it is specifically that is guiding me, a higher power, the support of AA… who knows, but I know that I am able to make the difficult decisions that I have to make in order to stay sober.

 

Back to my original point I guess. Before my DUI my main goal was to fill the void. I constantly felt empty and alone. I serial dated to try to fill that void. Now that I am at a little over 4 months sober and have been going to AA for the last 3 weeks, I don’t feel like that void is quite as big as it was before. The people that I have met in this short time are so honest, open, and caring. I still feel a bit sad, but I don’t feel like it is suffocating me anymore. I don’t feel like I have to have a drink to be able to catch my breath. I feel like the sun is shining and I can finally see it. The birds are chirping and I can finally hear them. When the light of the sun touches my skin I feel the warmth. I smell the flowers, I feel the breeze, and I can see a bit more clearly than I could yesterday.